Just Say No
As we continue on our five-part series on the “Top 5 Regrets of the Dying,” let’s dig deeper into the third regret today.
- “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
- “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
- “I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.”
- “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
- “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”
Something I used to have a hard time with was saying “No.” What I’ve learned, however, is that one “No” is better in the long run than a bunch of “I don’t knows” or “Maybes.” After saying “Maybe” to someone, I would ask myself, “Why did I say that? I don’t want to do that at all!” I knew it was because I lacked the courage to express my honest feelings.
Truth is, it took me awhile to go from “I don’t knows” or “Maybes” to straight “No’s.” Instead of saying “I don’t know” or “Maybe,” I “graduated” to saying “Not at this time.” Although that’s a step up in the “No” direction, I still knew in my heart that there was never going to be a time. I simply was not interested AT ALL. I would always think, “I should have just said ‘No, thank you’.”
If it is your desire (as it is mine) to live a life of authenticity, we must have the courage to express our feelings. Like I described for myself, it was a learned process. It didn’t happen overnight, nor am I yet where I want to be. I still catch myself shrugging my shoulders instead of just saying “No” or telling someone “This is just not a good time, but maybe in the future,” when I know in my heart that there won’t be.
When you say “No” to someone or something, what you really are doing is saying “Yes” to yourself. It’s empowering to express your true feelings to someone, even if it’s not what you think they want to hear. Consider it a part of receiving, which I think we as women could all do a better job with. Believe you deserve it.
People appreciate your honesty. I wouldn’t say this is true 100% of the time, but I have experienced so many thank you’s from people who after I said “No” to have told me “Kim, thank you for being honest – a straight shooter. I like that quality in a person.” Now I’m happy and they’re happy. We’ve both saved time and energy AND now they know I’m a person of integrity.
Sometimes expressing your feelings just has to be done. Sometimes you may know that the person you are going to be honest with isn’t going to be happy about it. You may know this person so well that you already know what their reaction will be. My suggestion is to just pull the Band-Aid, so to speak. If you’ve ever held secrets inside of you that you needed to get off your chest, you probably understand. My mentor says that there’s no perfect time for anything, but there’s the right time. Sometimes, it’s just the right time and you just need to pull the Band-Aid because you can’t hold it inside you any longer. You get to the point where you don’t care what the response will be because it’s now harder to hold it in than to let it out.
My hope for all of us today is that we continue to gain clarity on who we are and what we want so that we know right away if it’s the right or wrong decision for us. That way, we can give a simple “Yes” or “No” when opportunities present themselves. I hope we have the courage to live a life of authenticity and honesty and surround ourselves with people who appreciate someone who expresses their true feelings.
Believe that your voice is important.
Understand that your opinion counts.
Realize that your choices are valid.
Show the world that you matter.
Express your true feelings.
Continue this journey with me next week as we explore the fourth regret “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” Until then, express your feelings this week!
Your health and wellness coach in your 50’s,
Kim
The disease to please is very hard to overcome. I recently realized I agreed to have lunch with three different people that I am not all that sure that I really care about. Unfortunately two are relatives, so I am gong ahead and making the best of it, but not sure that I will again. My son and his girlfriend are so much better at just saying NO! Can’t believe that after all the years I have so admit that Maybe Nancy Reagan was right. How can that be? 😉
Thanks for sharing, Heidi. It happens! And yes, it can be hard to overcome, especially if our mothers were the same way. I didn’t grow up with very strong female role models so I had to learn this on my own (really the who I want to be as opposed to the who am I supposed to be to please others). It’s definitely a work in progress for me as I know it is for so many other women.